31. The Reality of Communication

Hey, I'm Karyn, your couples therapist and relationship coach with A Better Relationship Coaching. Today, I want to talk about something really important that has come up for me recently in my own relationship with my husband. It's the idea of *realistic* communication. In probably every episode (if not most), I emphasize the importance of communication in relationships. And I stand by that—communication is fundamental. It's a tool, a skill that helps us connect, understand each other, and navigate different situations. But I also say this knowing full well that it’s not as easy as it sounds.

The other morning, my husband and I had an experience that really made me want to speak to the reality of communication and how difficult it can be. My husband and I have had a lot going on this summer—we’ve moved twice and are finally settling in. We’ve navigated all of that pretty well, but there have been a few times when we’ve both been really stressed and our communication didn’t go great. Even though we’re usually good at getting back on track, it doesn’t mean we’ll look at the situation with the same crystal-clear view.

The other morning, we both had busy schedules and hadn’t discussed the details of how the day would look. We each had different expectations, and it didn’t take long for the differences in our plans to cause tension. Suddenly, it was like, “No, we’re doing this,” and the other said, “No, we’re doing this.” We found ourselves frustrated, thinking, “How could he not see it the way I saw it?” because it seemed so clear to each of us.

Honestly, this used to happen to us a lot. We’d talk about the same thing multiple times but approach it from totally different perspectives. We realized we had to start talking about things in hyper-detail if we were going to do something together. Otherwise, we’d get to the moment and think, “Oh no, I thought we were doing this,” while the other thought we were doing something else. That’s helped us a lot, but we didn’t do that this time.

When we realized our communication breakdown, we attempted a reset. We stopped, regrouped, and tried to figure things out again. It wasn’t perfect, but it got us heading in the right direction. What I really want to highlight is that even when we did the reset, we were still stressed and frustrated. We had to scrap together an agreement to get on the same page, but it didn’t ruin our day like it might have in the past.

What’s important is that we came to a place of acceptance: “Okay, this isn’t what I planned, it’s not what you planned, but we’re here now.” Neither of us let resentment fester, and we found our groove again. I want to normalize this—communication, even when done well, doesn’t always feel great. The key is acknowledging where each person is coming from. “This is what I thought,” “Okay, this is what I thought.” Even if it's not what you expected, understanding how the other got there is essential.

This experience reinforced for me the importance of patience and understanding. Communication doesn’t always lead to an immediate resolution, and that’s okay. Sometimes one person needs more time to process and adjust, and that’s totally normal. Remember, communication is a continuous process—it’s not a one-time fix. You might need to revisit a topic a few times, and even if the conversation doesn’t end perfectly, it’s still valuable. You’re learning more about each other, what’s important, and even difficult conversations can strengthen your relationship.

So, the takeaways I want you to get from this:
1. Communication isn’t always perfect, and that’s okay. It’s normal if conversations don’t end with both of you feeling amazing. The goal is to express your thoughts and feelings and understand each other better.
2. Give each other time to process and adjust to changes, as was the case in my situation. Allow space for each other to regroup.
3. I really appreciated that one of us was able to identify the need for a reset, and I’m grateful my husband was open to it. Sometimes, frustration can make it hard to be open to looking at things differently. It’s important to acknowledge the effort and openness to go in a different direction.

I hope this was helpful for you—a little anecdote from my own life. This also explains why I’ve been on hiatus the last couple of weeks, but I’m back on track now. I’ll have a new episode coming out soon. Until then, take care of yourself and each other. Thanks!