42. People Pleasing In Our Relationships

Breaking Free from People Pleasing: Finding Balance Between Caring for Others and Yourself

In my last episode, I talked about boundaries as a form of self-care. Today, I want to dive deeper into a topic closely connected to boundary struggles: people pleasing. It's something many of us wrestle with, and understanding it better can be a huge step toward healthier, more balanced relationships.

What Is People Pleasing?

People pleasing isn’t just about being nice or helpful or considerate—those are great qualities to have!  People pleasing happens when we consistently put others’ needs ahead of our own, often at our own expense. There’s an important difference between being kind and being a people pleaser.

Here’s an example:
Imagine your friend asks for help moving on Saturday. If you're available and want to help, that’s kindness. But if you already planned to rest after a busy week or had something else scheduled, yet cancel those plans because you’re afraid of disappointing your friend or worry they might think poorly of you—that’s people pleasing.

Signs You Might Be a People Pleaser

Recognizing people-pleasing tendencies is the first step. Here are some common signs:

• Saying "yes" when you want to say "no."
• Apologizing for things that aren’t your fault.
• Avoiding conflict at all costs.
• Feeling responsible for other people's feelings.
• Struggling to make decisions out of fear of what others will think.
• Feeling resentful but continuing to do things you don’t want to do.

If you’ve ever thought, “I’m doing all this for others, but nobody is doing anything for me,” it’s time to make a change.

Why We Fall Into the Trap

The truth is, people pleasing is something we often learn without realizing it. Maybe you grew up believing it was important to keep others happy to feel loved or safe or valued. When you learn those lessons growing up, it makes sense that you carry them into adulthood.  But as an adult it can create unhealthy relationship patterns with your friends, loved ones and romantic partners and it can leave us feeling drained and unfulfilled.

How to Break Free from People Pleasing

Finding balance between caring for others and caring for yourself isn’t about becoming selfish—it’s about becoming authentic. Here’s how to get started:

1. Notice When You’re People Pleasing

Pay attention to how you feel when agreeing to something. Are you genuinely excited, or do you feel a knot in your stomach? Your physical response is good information to pay attention to.

2. Practice Saying "No"

This can feel scary at first, especially if you’re worried about how others will react. Start small. Instead of immediately saying yes, try:
"Let me check my schedule and get back to you."  or   "I'm not sure right now, but I'll let you know soon."
This gives you time to decide if the request aligns with your needs and energy.

3. Value Your Own Needs

Your feelings and needs are just as important as everyone else’s.  Every single choice we make we are saying yes to something (or someone) and no to something (or someone).  Ask yourself:
"If I say yes to this, what am I saying no to?" 
Make sure you are being intentional about also saying yes to yourself.  Be intentional about where you invest yourself.

4. Work Through Guilt

Feeling guilty when prioritizing yourself is normal, especially if this is new. But guilt often signals growth—it’s not a sign you’re doing something wrong.  Slow down and ask yourself... what am I feeling bad about?  What is the underlying concern, fear or need?  Really thing about what you are feeling.

Practical Tips to Help You Change

• Start Small: Say no in low-stakes situations to build confidence.
• Write It Down: List your needs and priorities to stay focused when making decisions.
• Separate Care from Responsibility: You can care about others without taking responsibility for their feelings.
• Be Patient: Change takes time. Celebrate small wins along the way.  I promise it does get easier with time and the more you practice this.  

Why It Matters

When we people-please, we’re not showing up authentically in our relationships. True connection comes from honesty, not self-sacrifice. Saying no to what doesn’t align with your needs creates space to say yes to what truly matters.

Take One Small Step

This week, I encourage you to simply notice your people-pleasing tendencies—no judgment, just awareness. Then, try one small step toward being more authentic in your responses. Remember, prioritizing yourself doesn’t make you less caring—it means you care about yourself as much as the people around you.

Until next time, take care of yourself and take care of each other—and remember, taking care of yourself is just as important as caring for each other.