28. 3 Tips For Successfully Blending Families

**Karyn Spetz:**

Hi, I'm Karyn, your couples therapist and relationship coach with A Better Relationship Coaching. Today we're going to talk about blended families. When you join families together and one or both of you becomes a stepparent, this is a situation that I am very familiar with as I have two stepkids who were nine and eleven when we met. They are totally awesome and incredible people, and I'm so lucky to have them in my life. However, it was not always easy for me, and the transition wasn't necessarily always smooth. Looking back, there are about, I'd say, 100 things that I would do differently. So today I wanted to share three tips to help you successfully blend families, whether each of you have kids or one of you is going to be stepping into that role for the first time.

**Tip 1: Establish Boundaries and Define Roles**

The first thing I recommend is to establish boundaries and clearly define roles, especially the role of the stepparent. Whatever the living arrangements are for the kids, it's important to be clear about the rules, especially for the stepparent, as it can be a source of tension and disagreement if not clearly established. This often comes up in situations involving discipline, rule setting, and rule enforcing. I've seen this go both ways: sometimes the stepparent parents as though the kids were theirs, especially if there's only one biological parent in the picture. Other times, when both biological parents are involved but in different households, the stepparent might take a more hands-off approach with discipline, serving more as a support. Both approaches can work successfully, but it's crucial to define these roles clearly.

**Tip 2: Focus on Being a Support, Not a Replacement**

The second recommendation is for the stepparent to focus on being a support and not a replacement. It's important because step-parents can easily compare themselves or feel jealous, struggling to find their place in the new dynamic. Trying to fill the shoes of the absent parent can create resentment and confusion for both the kids and the stepparent. The relationship kids have with their biological parents is unique and irreplaceable. A stepparent's love and role should be as an additional source of care and support, not trying to replace the biological parent. This role is about supplementing the love and support already provided by the biological parents.

**Tip 3: Regular Check-Ins**

The third piece of advice is to ensure you have regular check-ins. I recommend this often for couples, and it's especially useful here. Regular check-ins between the biological parent and the stepparent living together can help keep aware of any upsets, disagreements, and necessary changes. It's also important to be open and honest about your feelings regarding the situation and dynamics. If you don't already have regular check-ins, now is a great time to start.

That is it for today. I hope this was helpful. Make sure to hit follow and head to my website to get your free workbook, "7 Questions to Reconnect with Your Partner." Until next time, take care of yourself and take care of each other. Thanks!