30. Balancing Individual and Relationship Needs, Part 2: Challenges and Tips

Balancing Personal and Relationship Needs - Part 2

Hi, I'm Karyn, your couples therapist and relationship coach with A Better Relationship Coaching. Last week, we talked about why it's so important to balance your relationship and personal needs. Today, I want to discuss some challenges that can come up while you're working on that balance. Balancing our individual and relationship needs is really a constant dance, and it's not always easy. So, let's talk about some challenges that can arise and some strategies to overcome them.

Over-Independence:
One common challenge is the tendency towards over-independence. This looks like an excessive focus on individual needs, which can create distance in the relationship. This is definitely my tendency, and it’s something I had to figure out in my own relationship after it caused problems. While it’s healthy to maintain a sense of self and pursue personal goals, too much focus on independence can erode the connection between you and your partner. It can lead to your partner feeling unsupported or unseen, ultimately causing emotional distance in the relationship.

Fear of Abandonment:
Another concern that can arise is the fear of abandonment, which leads to an over-focus on the relationship. This is the opposite end of the spectrum and often manifests as a reluctance to prioritize your personal needs for fear of pushing your partner away or losing the relationship somehow. This fear can create an unhealthy dynamic where one partner sacrifices too much for the relationship, potentially leading to resentment or burnout. If you identify with being a people pleaser, this might sound familiar. Eventually, this can lead to dissatisfaction in the relationship because you’re not allowing your own needs to be seen or taken care of while focusing too much on meeting your partner's needs.

Unrealistic Expectations:
Unrealistic expectations are another challenge to keep an eye out for. When we expect our partner to fulfill all our needs, disappointment is inevitable. This puts unrealistic pressure on your partner and the relationship, leading to feelings of overwhelm or resentment.

Communication Breakdown:
Finally, communication breakdown is an umbrella challenge that can contribute to many of the issues mentioned. Ineffective communication is a common culprit in relationship imbalances. When partners fail to communicate their needs or feelings openly, misunderstandings and frustrations can build up, leading one partner to feel neglected or the other overwhelmed. This disrupts the balance between personal and relationship needs.

Strategies for Overcoming Challenges
So, what do we do about all this? Here are a few recommendations to help avoid these challenges:

1. Regular Check-Ins: Have regular check-ins to see how things are going for each of you individually and for your relationship. Sit down and talk about your wants and needs, as well as what you’d like from the relationship and your partner. This can help with understanding each other's expectations.

2. Addressing Extremes: If you notice tendencies towards over-independence or fear of abandonment, these could be signs of being walled off from a partner or codependency. You might need the help of a relationship coach to navigate this. Relationships can often benefit from outside assistance to help you move forward in a healthier direction.

3. Communication: I frequently emphasize the importance of communication, but sometimes it’s hard to know where to start. Many people struggle with communication because they never saw it modeled well growing up or weren’t taught what good communication looks like. A relationship coach can be helpful if this is something you're struggling with.

4. Lean in the Other Direction: Wherever your tendency lies—whether you’re more independent like me or more focused on the relationship—try leaning in the other direction. If you tend to want more time alone, make sure you have activities you can do together related to common interests. If you tend to neglect yourself, start incorporating something just for you into your routine. This will help you find the balance you may be missing.

That’s it for this week. I hope this was helpful! Don’t forget to hit "follow" to learn about new episodes as they come out, and head to my website at abetterrelationshipcoaching.com to get your free workbook, Seven Questions to Reconnect with Your Partner. Until next time, take care of yourself and take care of each other. Thanks!