Navigating Different Views on Alcohol Use in Relationships

Hi, I'm Karyn. You're couples therapist and relationship coach with A Better Relationship Coaching. And before I forget don't forget to go to my website. abetterrelationshipcoaching.com and download my Seven Questions To Reconnect With Your Partner pdf that's there for free for you.

All right, so today I want to talk about something that has come up a lot recently, maybe because it's summer and this seems to be more relevant. And then of course, we know going into the fall and the holiday season, this is also going to be coming up and that topic is drinking alcohol and how couples manage this when they have different views on what's okay and what isn't, or if one person drinks and the other does not.

So different people drink alcohol or don't drink alcohol for a number of different reasons:  cultural, religious, social, family, family history,...lots of different reasons. And if there are differences in opinion about this in a couple, then usually one or both partners feel pretty strongly about it. So how do you navigate this without it turning into resentment and conflict?

Well, as always, communication is key, right? It's important for both partners to be open and honest about their feelings on the subject and be open to hearing about how your partner feels on the subject and really understanding why, too., because that part's important.

If one person isn't honest about this and you just kind of go along to get along, this is something that if you're just going along to get along, but it's actually pretty important to you, It's going to end up coming up again and again in the future. Once you guys have had that conversation and really talked about what your views are, what your preferences are, and you know why that's important to you.

What I have seen be most successful is when couples have some sort of an agreement around the alcohol use, drinking regarding how much, how often or sometimes specific to maybe special occasions, holidays, or even just when they go out together as a couple, right? Somewhere in there or couples have to have a conversation to negotiate, where can we find a middle ground here or where can we find a place that's comfortable for both of us?

It's really important to make sure that whatever resolution is negotiated, that there are activities planned regularly, that both partners feel comfortable. So there may be activities sometimes where there's no alcohol use and other activities where there is alcohol use within the parameters that were kind of negotiated in that conversation you guys had. And again, another really important piece to this is if at some point alcohol use changes, right--there's either an increase in use, or it may be a decrease. Or if either one of you wants to return to have the conversation again, then you should do that.

If it's actually a really important thing because it's maybe a really big difference and you and both of you feel pretty strongly about it. I would just plan on knowing like, Hey, we're going to check in in a few months and see how this is working for us and then renegotiate if it's not, you know, and that can be from either side, right?  But the important thing is being on the same page: both of you understanding the understanding and having it be something that you're comfortable with or again when we just go along to get along and we're not actually really okay with the resolution, resentment is the risk that you're taking there.

Alright, well, that's it for this week. I hope this was helpful for you. Until next time, take care of yourself and take care of each other. Thanks.