3 Ways You May Be Damaging Your Relationship

I'm Karyn, you're couples therapist and relationship coach with a better relationship coaching. And today I wanted to talk about three different ways that we can be damaging our relationship without even realizing it.

So the first thing, lack of communication. Communication is one of the most important aspects of a relationship. And it's also, I will say just about every couple that I work with comes in saying we need help communicating. It's a tricky thing, and that's why sometimes we need help, you know, learning how to do it in a way that's good and helpful and benefits our relationship. But having either a lack of communication or just kind of not doing it in a way that's helpful or productive can really be harmful to the relationship.

Sometimes that lack of communication is not talking about things when you're upset about something or just kind of not speaking up when things go wrong or when there needs to be an adjustment in not saying anything. You can listen to past episodes about grudges and resentment that I've done recently. And then another thing that can impact our communication is when we make assumptions instead of clarifying. So it can be really helpful just to check in and be like, Hey, I just want to get this right. 

I'll tell you, my husband and I. We clarify and go over and check in about something multiple times, especially if it's really important. We want to make sure we get it right because inevitably we will think we're on the same page about something and then we will end up checking in. And I do find it amusing because we'll be so clear that we yes, we both have an understanding that we check in and we're like, Oh, wait, no, we don't. I'm really glad we stopped to clarify this. And when we do that, it actually saves time and energy and can help us avoid an argument later because we you know, go to do something or come we're kind of in the middle of something and it turns out like we did not have the same understanding.

So it's better to, you know, clarify upfront and also to just not kind of assume that, you know, what's going on with your partner. Just check in and and see, you know, what their perspective is or what they're thinking about something. And I just assume that you kind of know what's going on over there.

So the second thing is to not prioritize the relationship. This is so important. Hurting your relationship just means keeping your kind of North Star as your relationship. I know this can be difficult, especially when I'm working with couples that have like young kids or, you know, other people that they're taking care of. I really like to point out that. Yes, your kids. Of course. Of course they're a priority. Absolutely. And they depend on you for everything, of course, depending on the age, especially the younger they are.  Ultimately, at the end of the day, though, they're going to grow up, they're going to move out, and it's going to be you and your partner. So when I'm working with couples that kind of like drifting apart during these years of raising kids,

I really encourage as much as possible to continue the date nights and really maintaining that connection they have with each other, because at the end of the day, it's going to end up as you two together. And when you two are good, then everything else that's going on around you is also going to be better because you to continue to have a strong foundation, keep that relationship as your North Star and you know, really remember that you two are the priority number one top of the list and try to maintain that connection. And you know that the two of you are the most important thing. As much as possible that really will help you. I was right now decisions of like, oh, let's not cancel the date like, you know, let's do something the two of us. Let's make sure we're spending that quality time and really talking to each other and staying connected. That will help you long term to continue to have a good relationship for years and years and years.

And then the third thing is being inflexible. We really want to try to be as flexible as we can with situations. Some things are going to be really important. We're going to kind of hold a hard line. But in general, we want to be able to give your partner's opinion and kind of what their thoughts are into consideration and really negotiate something that works for both of you situationally, but also in a way that allows for each other to change and grow over time.

So I'll see this happen sometimes where, you know things aren't the way they used to be, or we have to kind of change how we're doing things because of maybe interests that one person has. And it kind of changes schedules or dynamics somehow. And so we need to be a little bit flexible in allowing ourselves and our partner to grow and develop and change over time, because that will happen inevitably. And so we need to be able to support our partner in that process and allow for that growth. That is it for today. So remember, communication, prioritize your relationship and be flexible.

All right. I hope this was helpful. Until next time, take care of yourself and take care of each other. Thanks.