3 Reasons To End Your Relationship

Hi, I'm Karyn couples therapist and relationship coach A Better Relationship Coaching, and today I wanted to talk about when you should possibly consider leaving your relationship.

So a few episodes back I made a comment about how, when you're working on a relationship, it's hard and don't give up because it's worth it. And I definitely stand by that. And that's really for when I'm working with couples and they both are in it to win it. They want to make it work and they just are having a really hard time doing that on their own or with whatever they've tried in the past. So that's who I'm really talking about when I say that. 

There are some couples out that that's not the case and that's what I wanted to talk about today. So there's three different reasons that I am going to talk about, about when you should maybe think about ending your relationship.

So the first one is if you are only staying together for your kids.    If this is the case and I know that people think it can be better to have kids grow up in a two parent family, even if they don't necessarily love each other or if they fight. It's just better to have a two parent presence. And, you know, in general, it's great if everybody in the family can be together.

But the problem with that can be if one, there is a lot of fighting and the kids are exposed to that and fighting can be out loud or it can be a lot of silent fighting, right? All that tension that's there. The kids definitely pick up on that. And then the other thing that kids are being exposed to in those cases is whatever kind of relationship you guys have. So they're learning what a relationship is, what to expect, how they show up, what they can expect of their partner, and when that's the example of the relationship that they're getting, it's kind of setting them up to have this as being an idea of a normal relationship.

And what can happen frequently is when you separate, both parents are happier. They may find someone else that they really love and that they do have a good relationship with. Or maybe they don't.  Maybe that's not what they want, and they're still just happier on their own. And either way, the kids get to see two examples of happy, healthy parents, you know, in another relationship or not, but also hopefully getting along better with each other as well, much better than they were when they were staying together. So that can actually be a lot better than if parents stay together just because they feel like that's what you're supposed to do.

The second reason is if you really don't love your partner anymore or you maybe even never did love your partner. Sometimes this happens that you may have gotten married or you may have gotten together for whatever reason. Sometimes this is social or family pressure can push people into feeling like they need to get married and start that whole thing, or maybe a fear of being alone. And you commit to someone without really, feeling like this is a good fit or that you really, truly love this person. Sometimes people confuse love and, very close friendship. So there's a number of reasons that this happens.

But if you feel like for whatever reason, you don't love your partner, you don't really want to be in a romantic relationship with this person, then it may be time to think about. ending the relationship. And in these cases, it can be a gift to let your partner go so they can have the opportunity to meet someone who really does love them if that's what they want to do. But to just stick around and let it languish and have this kind of roommate situation, relationship, when you're not really wanting more than that or, you know, wanting to make that different because you don't love your partner. That's really settling for yourself and then making your partner settle also.

And I've had people come and talk to me about this that they don't really know what to do. And usually it's fear of the unknown that keeps someone from leaving in this situation just because they've been in the relationship so long. And now they're kind of realizing like, Oh, I never really even love this person, but they're afraid of what it would look like if they left. So if you feel like that might be going on or you're not sure, it might be a good idea to reach out to someone, to have someone help you process all of that.

And the last is if you aren't interested in doing the work needed to make things better. And this can go for both people in the relationship, even if one of them has really messed up, right? Like spent all the money or, infidelity, even if one person has clearly done something to violate the trust of the relationship, both people are still going to need to be active participants in making the relationship better. It's still going to be work for both people. It's just going to look different for what that work is, obviously.

But if you're kind of like, I'm just going to I'm angry and I'm resentful and I'm bitter and I'm not going to do anything about it. I'm just going to sit in this. I mean, why would you want to do that to yourself? Right?  It does take work to make your relationship better if it's not in a good space, and so you have to be willing to put in that effort to make those changes. And if you're just not willing to do that, then find what you know you're going to be able to do to be happy for you and your partner. You don't need to be miserable in a relationship that you're just not happy in You can always decide to, you know, make that choice to do something different.

So. Those are the three reasons I wanted to talk about today. If you feel like you need help with any of this. Always reach out to someone you know. Relationship coach or couples therapist can help process these things and help you work through these things. And if you do decide you're going to end a relationship, that's actually a great time to see someone, especially if you have kids and you want to be able to work together and have still a good relationship, even after you've separated. That's a great reason to work with someone to help you navigate that, because that can be really tricky.

So, alight, that's it for this week. I hope it was helpful. Until next time, take care of yourself and take care of each other. Thanks.